I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
This is my gift to your gina
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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