when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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