Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
