I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
