theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
