its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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