his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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