You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
