i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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