whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
one might say we're banned from that church
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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