I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
