omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
