..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
