just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
