Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
