Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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