Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You're like the curious george of whores
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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