I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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