Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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