sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
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Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.