If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...