i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
