Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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