We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
