Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
me + whiskey = a bad person
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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