I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
