I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
MIDGETS
????
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
