Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
