my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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