if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
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