Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
