My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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