i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
