Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Green mimosas i think yes
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
