No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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