I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
