I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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