Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
