I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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