I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
