we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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