there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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