did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
