i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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