i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
