do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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