FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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