Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
