thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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