see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
