It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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