capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Will exercising make me less horny?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
