I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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