I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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