If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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