he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
