his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
